Take off your mask story: “I cry myself to sleep…” (SIC)

I’m a 15 year old girl.Im sporty ,out going ,bubbly,always laughing and joking and I’ve a big group of friends.Thats a bit of who I am and also that’s what everyone sees but what everyone doesn’t see is the nights I cry myself to sleep,they don’t know I have had problems with self harm or that I even tried to end my life before cause life become all too much for me to handle.Maybe if I didn’t get up and wear my mask to school or to training or to my mates they would probably realise how many times I’ve been sucidal because behind a lot of my smiles and laughs is a girl screaming out for help.My mam was a young teen and my dad was a herion addict when I was born.When I was younger it was so easy to hide my dads addiction from me because I wasn’t educated on drugs ,to me he was the best dad in the world.He was the best dad in the world because I never witnessed the addict.When I was four he went to prison ,he came out when I was 8 ,during that period of time I was told a lot about my dad like his addiction or that he wasn’t really ‘in the army helping poor families’ he was in prison for robbery.After my dad was released I thought it would go back to the way things wore me being a daddy’s girl but it didn’t ,at all.i was educated ,I had matured and developed I could see past his lies and his minipultive ways.Things start to add up ,I realised now he used me a lot of the time to feed his addiction,he went from teaching me how to lie and distract my family while he ran out of the house ,to teaching me the difference between a lie and a white lie.It was then I realised that all along when I thought I was my dads first priority ,I wasn’t ,drugs were and nothing could stop him from using.Id have sleepless nights worried about him ,while he was missing out on the streets ,he’d come back battered and beat up.He made promises he couldn’t keep ,missed my grandads funeral ,my birthday my fight and showed up stoned on my confirmation.i could go into detail about the arguments we had and the things he told me like ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me want to kill myself ‘ but I’ll keep it short.My mam and dad split up when I was very young and went their own ways ,my mam went down a very successful path and my dad went down the path he had been living most of his life drugs and crime.Hes whole addiction made me suffer and I thought it was so unfair.I felt alienated by his side of the family ,I was treated the same as all the other cousins.They excluded me,I never fitted in with their humour ,I felt sometimes the took out on me the pain they felt because of my dads addiction on me in a very sly way and that hurt so bad.My mam isn’t approachable ,she’s always stressed and she gives off such bad vibes ,I’ll get the odd moment with her when she’s very comforting but it’s rare and it’s hard.My grandad was my dad ,he rared me and he’s the only person that ever gave me that feeling that someone really cares about me and I’m their first priority,when he died ,it was heart breaking and it still is till this day ,we had a special father daughter relationship and I’ve felt empty ever since he left me.ive been too counsellor after counsellor ,I’ve rang childline ,I’ve reached out to friends and family and it helps but I haven’t been sucidal in months ,I’m doing well ,I start each day with a positive thought and go to bed each night with a positive thought ,I am greatful for what I have and accept what I don’t have and I find that is the best way to stay strong through whatever’s going on ,stay positive no matter how bad things are and how hard that sounds ,don’t be so hard on yourself.My dads in prison again now and the first letter I sent him when he went in when I was 13 said that I loved him but it was unfair and I hope one day he keeps to the right path but it’s best off it we don’t talk anymore and asked him not to contact me after he read this.That broke me ,it was so tough.Although now 15 I’ve recently started to talk to him again ,because I’m thinking positively.I thought he’s in prison ,he is safe and away from drugs and maybe I can get to know my dad now and have hope that maybe this time he will keep to the right path and I’m praying that my wish comes true,although there’s only so many chances I can give but I think I’m mature enough now to protect myself and it not become dangerous on myself when I get hurt ,I’ll cry and I’ll have sleepless nights but ill accept who my dad is and stay strong and carry on with my life and I’ll always love him no matter what ,I’ll always be a daddy’s girl.Im an actress ,I’ve goals ,I work hard and I’ve a purpose and I’m not willing to give all that up or ruin it on myself so i pick myself up through the toughest times and I wish every teen out there could do the same.